Rescued

 Robert R. Williams is the former drummer and lyricist of SIEGE, founders of the ‘grindcore’ movement of underground heavy metal, and of Relapse recording Artists Nightstick. God rescued him from his life of substance abuse and anger in November of 2007.

What follows is a transcript of his testimony, shared at the yearly Father and Son Canoe Trip on the Saco River in New Hampshire in June 2008:

How you guys doing tonight? Um, I know I’m hard of hearing from loud music and all, but what is this, the ladies’ crocheting class at church? I said how you doin’ out there tonite?! (laughter)  Let me start out by saying how happy it makes me in my heart to see so many fine fathers and sons together enjoying one another’s company this weekend. Thank you for that.

Let me tell you exactly why that means so much to me.

When I was six years old my father was murdered. By mobsters.

My earliest memory is of my Mother asking me to say my prayers that my father would come home safe. That never happened.

In case you’re thinking this is some faraway thing, we lived in Hingham at the time. And we grew up in Jackson Square, East Weymouth. And my Mother used to encourage me to go to the South Shore Baptist Church.

But by the time I was a teenager, anger started to burn inside of me like a furnace, which got a lot worse when I became the drummer and lyricist for punk rock and underground heavy metal bands.

I formed and joined a surrogate family of musicians and guitarists and degenerates.  And we jammed together and recorded together and performed together and partied together.  And together our lives plummeted on a parallel trajectory toward a downward spiral like we were being flushed down a giant toilet.

I watched every member of one of the groups I was in become a heroin addict.

I saw one of the ‘hangers on’ on the scene, who ‘fell’ off a bridge when he was drinkin’ whiskey, lying in his casket at 30 years of age with Rosary beads in his hands.

Another guy, and this is the most successful Musician I know–he sang guest vocals on a multi-platinum Pantera album–another buddy of mine came out of a three month drug-induced coma, only to go right back to doing the stuff, only now he crosses himself insanely after every time he does a crack hit! And I had this same sick, sinking visceral feeling when I saw my friend in his coffin with the Rosary beads in his hands as I had when I saw my singer buddy later crossing himself with the crack pipe in his hand.  I said to myself “Robert, it’s too late when you’re dead or disabled by drugs for some fleeting, futile, hollow gesture of spirituality!” But still we continued and still I continued submerging myself in this cauldron of sewage called Rock ‘n Roll!

I wound up . . . let me tell you how I wound up: homeless.  You know how drummers use a pillow in the bass drum to muffle the sound? I used to lay my head on that pillow, squatting in a rehearsal space or recording studio or in the band’s van, by conventional standards unemployed, drug-addled, despairing, defeated.

But then something happened!

Sunday mornings usually found me hung over on this, that and/or the other.  But that Sunday I experienced this strange compulsion to get up and get dressed up in a shirt and tie, and even though I had no idea what time the service was, I found myself walking through the doors of our church, right on time.

I made an appointment for a ‘Question and Answer’ session with the young pastor there.

I thought I could have all the answers. I took to carrying around an index card with the Sinners’ Prayer on it.  I thought I could choose the time. But they turned out to be just pieces of paper which you forget about that go through the wash in your pocket.

God sent a torrent and a barrage of terrifying and wonderful ‘coincidences’ and life lessons which overwhelmed me and crushed the atheism I had confined myself in, and swept me on a road where there was no turning back from toward his forgiving, life-saving embrace.

I used to aspire to some kind of artistic or literary immortality. Let me tell you I now have my eyes trained on and heart set on immortality of a more permanent kind.

I used to pride myself on how ‘well read’ I was.  Well, I’m no longer ignoring the one true classic. (holds up Bible) Because it’s in here I read in Ephesians 1:4 & 5 ‘In Love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with His pleasure and will.’  And guys, when I read that one, the chains of fatherlessness and casualty status I’d been clinging to fell right off of me. And I was free!

Now, let me speak to the young guys here for a second. You guys know when your behavior would make your earthly father and our Heavenly Father proud.

And let me speak to those who have been Christians for awhile, and may think ‘Oh, I recited the Sinners’ Prayer 20 years ago on that ski trip so, um, I’m all set.’  Will you please consider upgrading the caliber of your commitment and joining me in the ranks on the front lines with those who endeavor to more assertively proclaim their faith and share the message of how God has rescued them? Will you please consider doing that with me today?

Most importantly - let me speak to the person who my heart is telling me is out there who has not yet opened their heart to God’s Truth.

You see, the same God that loved us so much that he created this beautiful summertime and this river that we canoed down manifested himself as a Son!

But chin-scratching egghead atheist like I was, deliberate premeditating sinner like I was, I needed for that Son to die on the cross so that I could have a chance at a new life!

And that is why, guys, that is why, I start every day on my knees praying ‘Thank You, God for the privilege of even being able to aspire to do good things in the future!’

Let’s pray briefly together.  May I? Let’s pray. (he prays)‘Heavenly Father, I bowin chastised resignation and awestruck humility at your divine orchestration of so-called coincidences to bring me here today. Thank you, God, for the day I became a Christian. Thank You, God, for the day we became Christians. God, please protect every young man here from the traps and the troublemaking and the temptations lying in wait out there. Please protect our sons, God! And thank you for sending your Son to give us a chance at this clean slate. And may every man here remember when they were in the room when their child was born– that sense of wonderment, that sense of possibility–let every man keep that feeling alive in their heart as they share their faith. Amen. Amen.